Handling Grief During the Holidays

The holidays can often bring up a lot of feelings for people, and one of these feelings is grief. If you’ve experienced or worry about feeling grief during the holidays, you’re not alone. Over 35% of Americans say they don’t feel like celebrating the holidays because of a sense of grief and loss. 

While it can be difficult to deal with loss during the holidays, there are ways to support yourself. In this article, we’ll explain why grief so often intensifies during the holiday season. We’ll also introduce you to methods to help cope with grief and support your emotional health.

Why Holidays Can Intensify Grief

The holidays can often make us feel pressure to be joyful, which can intensify feelings of grief. A cultural silence around grief may also make it feel as though grief needs to be hidden. As grief is shaped by cultural traditions, family roles, and religious or spiritual practices, there are many reasons why the holidays can bring up feelings of grief.

Certain traditions and memories may also trigger feelings of sadness, anger, or disappointment. Because these holidays are near the end of the year, it’s often a time of reflection, which can remind people of what has changed in the last year. This can often bring losses to the top of people’s minds.

The Many Forms of Grief

We often think of grief as the result of the loss of a loved one. But there are many other types of grief. These include divorce or relationship changes, the loss of a job, health, or stability, and infertility. People may also experience anticipatory grief when they begin grieving someone who is declining in health.

 It’s also important to note that grief isn’t linear. Holidays and anniversaries can evoke feelings of grief, even for people who believed they had finished grieving. Understanding that grief shows up in many ways can make it easier to recognize your own experience during the holidays.

Emotional and Physical Signs of Grief

Grief can affect people differently and for different lengths of time, causing both emotional and physical signs. Grief also isn’t just sadness; it can also cause feelings of anger, numbness, guilt, disbelief, and restlessness. People might also experience mood swings.

The stress that grief causes can lead to fatigue and difficulty concentrating. People might have trouble sleeping or notice changes in their appetite. They could also feel physical symptoms like a tight chest, muscle aches, digestive issues, and headaches.

How to Cope with Grief During the Holidays

In this section, we’ll go over the different ways that you can cope with your grief through the holiday season.

Give Yourself Permission to Feel

It’s important to know that there’s no “right” or wrong way to grieve. Allowing yourself to feel what you’re feeling is an important way to show yourself compassion. It’s also important to remember that grief can cause complex feelings. Sometimes, people feel in shock or numb, or they’re not quite sure how to identify what they are feeling.

Some people say that feelings of grief can come in waves. They might be experiencing joy, and then something reminds them of their grief. Know that it’s okay to feel both happy and sad at the same time. There’s no need to feel guilty about feeling joy, just as there’s no need to force yourself out of moments of sadness.

Grief can be tiring and stressful, so it’s important to understand your physical and mental limitations so that you’re able to balance rest and engagement. Ensure that you’re taking time to practice self-care, supporting your body with nourishing food, and prioritizing rest.

Honor Your Loved One or Loss

Celebrating the holidays without a loved one can feel difficult because it can be easy to notice their absence. But honoring loved ones can help incorporate them into your holiday in a different way. This might include lighting a candle, setting a place for them at the table, or doing something for others in their honor. 

Thinking of your loved one can be meaningful. You might share memories, write a letter, complete a memory journal, or cook their favorite meal. Some communities hold remembrance ceremonies during the holidays. These events offer a chance to remember your loved one and connect with others who are also grieving.

Adjusting Traditions and Expectations

Just because you’ve always done the holidays a certain way doesn’t mean that you have to continue doing them that way. It’s okay to simplify celebrations and focus on what traditions you find most meaningful over those you feel obligated to do. You are also allowed to say no to triggering gatherings. Surviving the holidays after loss often means making adjustments so that you feel comfortable.

It’s also important to set realistic expectations based on how you are feeling. Know that grief can be tiring, so if there are traditions that you wish to continue, you may need help with cooking and decorating. Some people also prefer to travel and celebrate the holidays somewhere else.

Emotional Support for Holiday Grief

Supporting yourself emotionally is an important part of coping with grief at Christmas and beyond.

Lean on Your Support Network

Not talking about a loss can lead to isolation, which can make the feelings of grief worse and might contribute to depression and anxiety. Leaning on your loved ones, including friends and family members, can be helpful for moving through the holiday season with grief. Talking about how you are feeling and what you need can help your loved ones understand how to support you.

Joining faith and support groups, online or in person, helps you connect with others. It offers a safe space to share your feelings and experiences. Grief therapy also helps people navigate their feelings. It aids in processing emotions, adapting to change, and building healthier coping strategies.

Manage Emotional Triggers

Emotional triggers, such as a certain holiday tradition or place, can bring up strong feelings of grief. Taking the time to plan ahead what traditions you want to continue and setting boundaries about what events you’ll prioritize and how much time you’ll spend there can help ensure that you do what’s best for you.

One holiday grief tip is to have a Plan B in case things are too overwhelming. For example, you might plan to cook dinner, but have a backup plan to get takeout if cooking feels like too much. Having a safe support person you can go to if you are feeling overwhelmed and need to leave can help you navigate holiday gatherings.

Sometimes, emotional triggers come up when we don’t expect them. For example, a certain holiday song might come on when you’re in a store and trigger feelings of grief. Having grounding and calming techniques in mind can help you find comfort when these feelings come up.

Examples include deep breathing, visualization, and affirmations. For example, you might remind yourself that you are not alone in your grief or that healing takes time.

When Professional Help Can Make a Difference

It’s normal to go through a grieving process and feel down after the loss. But sometimes grief can be more complicated. Complicated grief usually lasts for at least 12 months and includes symptoms such as:

• Overwhelming sadness or emotional distress
• Experiencing a sense of emotional numbness or detachment
• Having difficulty accepting the loss
• Feeling a loss of meaning in life
• Difficulty trusting others or staying engaged socially
• Avoiding reminders of the loss
• Physical symptoms, such as loss of appetite and difficulty sleeping
• Difficulty with daily life, such as returning to work or caring for oneself

Grief and mental health go hand-in-hand, with grief sometimes triggering or exacerbating certain mental health conditions, including depression.

In these situations, therapy and grief-specific counseling can be helpful. Complicated grief may also cause suicidal thoughts. If you or a loved one is in immediate danger, call 911 or the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988.

Takeaway

Grief is very personal. Feelings of grief can come up at unexpected times and in unexpected ways. Adjusting your expectations for the holidays and honouring loved ones can be helpful. If grief is ongoing and you find it difficult to cope, a therapist can help you express your emotions, understand the grieving process, and help you adjust to major life changes.

Resources

Coping with Bereavement and Grief - SAMHSA

Grief - CDC

Grief and Mourning - National Institutes of Health

Tools from APA on Dealing with Grief - American Psychological Association

Sources

American Psychiatric Association. (n.d.). Prolonged grief disorder. https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/prolonged-grief-disorder

Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies. (n.d.). Complicated grief: Fact sheet. https://www.abct.org/fact-sheets/complicated-grief/

Cleveland Clinic. (2023, May 3). Complicated grief: What it is, symptoms & treatment. Cleveland Clinic. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24951-complicated-grief

Cleveland Clinic. (2023, February 22). Grief: What it is, types, symptoms & how to cope. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24787-grief

Experience Camps. (2021, November 2). A look at grief 2021: Survey results from Experience Camps and The Harris Poll. Experience Camps. https://experiencecamps.org/blog/survey-results-from-experience-camps-and-the-harris-poll